Monthly Archives: May 2011

PHOTO: ‘Transformers 3’ star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley sticks her tongue out at Megan Fox

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At left, 'Transformers 3' star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley poses for the June 2011 cover of Complex magazine. Eerily similar to previous 'Transformers' femme fatale Megan Fox's October 2008 GQ cover, isn't it?

Is Rosie Huntington-Whiteley sticking her tongue out at Megan Fox? I think so.

In October 2008, Megan Fox stuck her tongue out provocatively at GQ readers. And for most of the past three years, horny boys and perverted men have been obsessed with her. And it’s hard to blame them, because Megan Fox is pretty easy on the eyes. But let’s be honest — she was never talented, and she knew it. In that same issue of GQ, she admitted as much: “I’ve done one movie. And it’s not a movie I want to stand on as far as acting ability goes. I mean—I’m not going to win an Oscar anytime soon. I’m not Meryl Streep.”

So — and fanboys everywhere may hate me for saying this — I’m not too sorry to see her leave the Transformers franchise, no matter how good she looked when lifting the hood of a car or straddling a motorcycle. The second movie wasn’t as good as the first, and I think a big part of that was the wasted time on the drama between Sam (Shia LaBoeuf) being away at college and meeting other girls, including one who inevitably turned out to be a Decepticon with an evil metal tongue.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a 24-year-old British model/actress who has just as little to her credit as Fox did when she starred in the first film, is a perfectly acceptable replacement. I have yet to see her acting ability as this is her first major role, but she seems a little more humbled (and less crazy) than Fox. “I’ve had nine years of working before this kind of movie happened to me,” she told Complex. “I’m really glad I’ve had struggles in my career. When success finally hits you, it helps put things in perspective. We’re so small. You see these kids get success straight away or they grew up with it, and I feel for them ’cause how do they gauge any sense of reality?”

“Kids who get success straight away” sounds like a subtle dig at Fox, doesn’t it? Yeah, she’s definitely sticking her tongue out at her.

And — in case you didn’t notice — Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who appears to be wearing nothing but a Julien MacDonald blazer on the Complex cover, isn’t bad to look at either. But who cares? Honestly, who’ll notice the difference when Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon hits theaters June 29? I’m in it for the toys cool cars that transform into kick-butt alien robots. Autobots, roll out!

Chillin’ like a villain: My all-time top 5 Bob Dylan songs

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Today is Bob Dylan’s 70th birthday. It may surprise you, but my first concert was actually Bob Dylan when I was 12 (which would mean he was 56). Being 12, I didn’t know any Bob Dylan songs except for “that ‘everybody must get stoned’ song” and the one from Dangerous Minds, “Mr. Tambourine Man.” (It was 1996.)

He didn’t play either song, which meant the concert was hard to enjoy but as I’ve grown older I’ve realized what an expansive catalog the guy has — hundreds of songs. I still don’t get the movie I’m Not There and I still think he’s a crap singer and a weak electric guitar player, but the man is undeniably a genius and has written some fantastic songs. Here are my five (plus one) favorite tracks by the troubadour himself:

1. “The Man In Me”
You gotta love the scene in The Big Lebowski when the Dude trips out to this song:

2. “Trouble In Mind”
Dylan didn’t write this blues classic, but I love his version — it’s sadly not on YouTube. Here’s a version by Leon Russell, Willie Nelson and Bonnie Raitt:

3. “The Times Are A-Changin'”
A timeless classic. I especially love the way it was used in the opening scene of Watchmen.

4. “Heart Of Mine”
Dylan wrote this great song, but Peter Malick Group and Norah Jones do it better.

5. “Like A Rolling Stone”
Another Dylan classic that’ll still be relevant in 50 years.

6. “Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I’ll Go Mine)” – Mark Ronson Remix
Honorable mention — I love the modernization and the funky horns added by Ronson.

Happy birthday, Bob! Keep on chillin’ like a villain, Mr. Dylan.

The incredible true story of how I became a zombie in the post-Rapture apocalypse — and then saved by Chuck Norris

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In the 24 hours following the May 21, 2011 Rapture, my Twitter bio looked like this. Weird, huh?

Brace yourself, kids, I have an amazing story to tell you.

May 21, 2011 — the Rapture swept the world at 6:00 pm local time. Most people were still around the next day, asking what the big hype was all about. Some believers thought it was another test from Rock Me Sexy Jesus, but who knows? As one person pointed out, though, maybe the Rapture really did happen but so few people qualified that no one noticed.

Either way, the world didn’t end. But I had a strange 24 hours, personally. Late Saturday night, one my neighbors bit me. I felt a little feverish and did what anyone else with a potential cold would do — I laid down. I don’t remember anything after that, but this appeared on my Twitter page:

A few hours after the supposed Rapture, I lost all ability to type/spell actual words.

My name had been changed to @undeadgeoff and my profile said I was a zombie! Wh-what?

    The crazy tweets, the only evidence of what had happened to me, told a scary story:

  • @undeadgeoff: RAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!
  • @undeadgeoff: Mmmmmmm…. @mellokittie looks yummy. [CHOMP]
  • @sopranosinger: @undeadgeoff are you a zombie now?! Lol hope all is well :)
  • @undeadgeoff: BRAAIINS!! [bites @Mitch_M]
  • @Mitch_M: @undeadgeoff Dag, that ain’t pretty! lol
  • @andCKsays: According to this: http://t.co/UrgTDuK I should lob off @undeadgeoff’s head with a chainsaw. So, consider it done.
  • @undeadgeoff: [flees @andCKsays’ house at a slow, staggering pace]
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrggllle… Brrrrreakfast! [bites @MissBrittz]
  • @AlexBrewer53: If you are not following @undeadgeoff, you need too. Deaf Geoff as his post-rapture self
  • @undeadgeoff: #survivalsunday = snackfest for @undeadgeoff
  • @undeadgeoff: [stumble, stumble] Still hungryyy…
  • @undeadgeoff: Mmm, @veronicaripson’s arm looks tasty. Nom nom nom nom nom….
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrrrrowwl… @MinaSayWhat, play some “Zombie Nation” on Sirius for my post-rapture tweeps!
  • @undeadgeoff: .@Jason_Smith78 is having trouble finding ground beef at @wegmans, but I know where to get fresh meat… on the run…
  • @JoshShear: OK, going to bring the netbook outside. And probably something to keep @undeadgeoff distracted so I can work in peace.
  • @mellokittie: @JoshShear if we just keep him fed or put him in a deep empty pool @undeadgeoff should be ok.
  • @undeadgeoff: Unless @viiag loaned you his copy of Jenna Jameson’s ‘Zombie Strippers,’ there’s little @mellokittie & @JoshShear can do to distract me…
  • @JBBusch: @undeadgeoff your list on the blog is hilarious but your picture makes me want to run faster on my jog today.
  • @jasonsdisaster: This is HILARIOUS: RT @undeadgeoff If you’re reading this, then you’ve survived. Here’s what you need to do now… http://wp.me/p14AP2-ch
  • @undeadgeoff: [sniffs @SunnyinSyracuse’s hair] hnmmph… [sprinkles cinnamon] oOoOOooh… [CHOMP] Delicious! #YummyinSyracuse
  • @MBuchwalter: @undeadgeoff so, your default picture makes me uncomfortable #justsayin #thoughtyoushouldknow #stillLoveyou
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrrrr… I can’t find a napkin to wipe my freshly-fed face… RT @MBuchwalter: so, your default picture makes me uncomfortable #justsayin
  • @undeadgeoff: Thinking about having some Maryland lacrosse players for my zombie lunch. #redshirts = #bloodfest
  • @PJASchultz: DO IT RT @undeadgeoff: Thinking about having some Maryland lacrosse players for my zombie lunch. #redshirts = #bloodfest
  • @undeadgeoff: LUNCHTIME! [bites Curtis Holmes’ arm off at the elbow] Mmmmm…. [chomp chomp slurppp] #zombierevenge for #SU
  • @undeadgeoff: BRAAAIINNNSS! [decapitates Grant Catalino] YUM! [chew chew BURP chew chew] #zombierevenge for #SU
  • @FaccendaT: @mellokittie @JoshShear How could you guys let @undeadgeoff escape! all you had to do was show him that crappy porno! now its going tospread
  • @mellokittie: @Faccendat well @undeadgeoff tried to eat me- thank goodness he’s got that wonky leg. I could outrun him.
  • @undeadgeoff: I’m hungryyy again… [spots Chuck Norris] Hmm? [smacks lips] [staggers towards him]
  • @undeadgeoff: Heyyy Chuck! Grrwwwrr — fwop, twang, BANG! — Accckkkk! OW. Wh-Whaa? [groan] [thud]
  • @deafgeoff: [cough cough] … Where am I?
  • @deafgeoff: Wow. Apparently, I was undead the past 24 hours… Chuck Norris shot me with an ED-12 dart, dosing me with the anti-zombie cure.
  • @deafgeoff: Thank YOU, Chuck Norris. It’s been a weird day… How’s everybody else doing?

How bizarre. Thank Godzilla for Chuck Norris.

Anyone else have an unusual post-Rapture experience? Just to prepare yourself, in case you’re about to have something similar happen, you might want to review the 10 steps to take after you survive the apocalypse. Seriously.

If you’re reading this, then you’ve survived. Here’s what you need to do now…

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If you're completely lost on what to do in the post-apocalyptic world, simply consult the rules of Zombieland.

Yesterday, May 21st, 2011, was the beginning of the end. Earthquakes, the Rapture, the second coming of Rock Me Sexy Jesus, dogs and cats living together, Hannah Montana as president, zombie strippers and mass mayhem.

So if you’re reading this, congratulations: You survived.

Here’s what you need to do now…

1) Watch (or re-watch) “28 Days Later,” “Diary of the Dead,” “Shaun of the Dead” and “Night of the Living Dead.” Consult the Rules of Zombieland. This will prepare you for any looters/zombies that may attempt to harm you.

2) Stock up on Mountain Dew and Pop-Tarts. They’ll last longer than anything else, and you can survive for years on their artificial nutrients (which are better than actual nutrients).

3) Either find a flashlight or download the flashlight app on your iPhone. This’ll come in handy for telling scary stories to the other survivors, especially if you shine it under your chin and alternate between a creepy whisper and a raspy scream while speaking.

4) Go to my apartment. Turn on my computer and find my folder of personal pictures and videos marked “ILoveKitties.” DELETE IT. (You’ll need my password, which is FerngullyRulez.)

5) Pick out a really cool, but comfortable, outfit. Add a pair of sunglasses. This may be your attire for the rest of your everloving life, so make it a good one. You can borrow one of my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts if you want.

6) Choose a form of transportation. You can start with a car or a dune buggy, but they’ll run out of gas, so have a backup ready: roller skates, shoes with those little Wheelies underneath them. (Avoid scooters: you’ll be killed by 10 tons of Alanis Morrissette-like irony if you attempt to escape the Rapture on a Raptor Scooter.) If the apocalypse looks more like Waterworld or 2012, find something seaworthy.

7) Pack lots of underwear and toilet paper.

8) Decide what the future generation’s Bible is going to be. I recommend Chuck Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, but whatever floats your boat. This will be the new story of the beginning of civilization.

9) Repopulate the planet. Have lots of sex. Name the kids cool things like “Megatron,” “Frankenstein” and “Buzz Lightyear.” None of those wimpy-sounding names like “Josiah” or “Francine.” (“Ron Burgundy” is okay, but let’s not go overboard.)

10) Depending on how it all goes down, come up with a new list of commandments. Warn future generations of what will happen if they try and revitalize Facebook.

Good luck, and Godzillaspeed.

Last Requests: 25 songs you need to hear before the world ends

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Judgment Day, the Rapture and the end of the world may or may not take place starting May 21, 2011… But as long as humankind is mortal, all of us will see an end one day or another. So if you have a bucket list, I suggest you try and make a dent in it and do everything you want to do — start with exposing your ears to good music. Here are 25 amazing songs that, if you’ve never heard before, you need to listen to NOW:

1. Playing For Change – “Stand By Me”
One camera and one microphone captured street musicians around the world performing this Ben E. King cover. In a word? Amazing.

2. The Dears – “The Ballad of Human Kindness”
Possibly my favorite indie rock song of all time. The message is powerful and the lyrics are infectious.


3. Peter Malick Group – “Heart Of Mine” feat. Norah Jones
Bob Dylan is a fantastic songwriter but a terrible singer. So just let Norah Jones sing his songs and they’ll all be amazing.

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OFWGKTA and Tyler The Creator: Is this the ‘odd future’ of hip-hop music?

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Tyler, The Creator is the frontman of Odd Future, an increasingly popular hip-hop group. If this is where the genre is headed, it's an odd future, indeed.

If you’ve heard someone say “Free Earl” recently, then you’re at least vaguely familiar with OFWGKTA — Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, or Odd Future, for short — a loose collective of hip-hop artists that are all barely out of high school. The Internet buzz has created a mythical amount of fame for a group that has yet to really scratch the surface, though hipster rap fans and indie music bloggers all claim to love them. I just don’t get it (yet), personally.

NYMag recently asked if frontman Tyler The Creator was a musical visionary, or just an obnoxious teenager with a record contract? I listened to his first major release, Goblin, and it’s this insanely dark collection of violent characters imagined by Tyler. On one track he’s a vampire who likes “bitches who suck d**k and wash dishes.” On other tracks he’s paradoxically violent and anti-violent at the same time. He claims he’s not a homophobe, but he’ll drop gay slurs without hesitation. He has necrophiliac serial killer fantasies and will tell anyone to go f**k themselves. (But he might not mean it. He’s either just spewing what any other angry adolescent male would in his situation, or he’s creating mystery on a Bob Dylan scale.)

The music, meanwhile, is an unclassifiable mix of dreamy electro, jazz, 60’s acid trips, and trip hop – there’s nothing you can dance to, though I do quite enjoy the track “Yonkers.” The rest is… interesting, and unique. But is it good? It might be. But I don’t like it, and I can’t put my finger on why. Maybe I don’t have patience for fictional songs when Tyler and his motley crew’s real story seems like it would be more interesting. Maybe the hype just isn’t meeting their product — yet. I definitely see a lot of potential, though.

As for the group? Odd Future, who loves to incite audiences, may already be getting exactly what they want. They canceled a Detroit show recently because fans were throwing beer bottles at them, and they started a “near riot” on Boston’s Newbury Street that led to this embarrassing report by Fox News in Boston:

Earl The Sweatshirt, by the way, is the man everyone wants to free. He’s not in jail. Part of Odd Future’s myth (or it could be real – who knows?) is that Earl is one of their amazingly talented members who can’t release any music because his mother has him under house arrest in Samoa. When Earl turns 18, he’ll potentially be allowed to leave and start recording again — until then, “Free Earl” has become synonymous with anger and calls for violence against Earl’s mother.

Oh, and in an interesting new development, Tegan and Sara started a beef with Tyler The Creator when they wrote a lengthy complaint on their website: “Why should I care about this music or its ‘brilliance’ when the message is so repulsive and irresponsible?… When will misogynistic and homophobic ranting and raving result in meaningful repercussions in the entertainment industry? When will they be treated with the same seriousness as racist and anti-Semitic offenses?”

Tyler’s response on Twitter? “If Tegan And Sara Need Some Hard D**k, Hit Me Up!”

If you like Odd Future and Tyler The Creator, please explain to me why. Until then, I’m just going to hope that they grow up quickly and start letting the music speak for itself. Good music will always speak for itself and, so far, all I’m hearing is a bunch of angry kids making noise.

How many people REALLY watched the Royal Wedding? Analyzing the ‘estimates’ and cutting through the hype

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Prince Wiliam and Kate Middleton kiss at Buckingham Palace, shortly after being married and named the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. How many people watched the royal wedding? Let's cut through the hype.


The New York Times estimated that 3 billion people (give or take 500 million) watched the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Really? Come on.

Let’s imagine for a minute that we’re “giving” 500 million to that number, which would mean 3.5 billion watched it — last I checked, there were just about 7 billion people on the planet, which would mean literally 1 out of every 2 people spent their Friday morning watching a wedding.

There’s a quick and easy way to prove that’s not true: Poll 20 people. Did 10 of them watch it? No. Even my girlfriend, who LOVES weddings, didn’t get up at 6 a.m. to watch.

America, who left England’s rule to get away from royalty 235 years ago, was strangely interested but not as much as the media would have you believe. Only 22.76 million Americans watched the wedding, according to Nielsen TV ratings. For frame of reference, “American Idol” is averaging 25.9 and 24.0 million viewers this season — at the height of its popularity three or four years ago, “Idol” averaged 35 million.

NME reports that, even in the UK, only 24.5 million people watched on terrestrial broadcasts. Including Internet coverage, that number is still less than 34 million — and this is in the only country that should care about the royal wedding, since it’s their prince and princess (or duke and duchess, whatever). More British people watched Princess Diana’s funeral, and even the 1966 World Cup.

Okay, so if we’re going to come anywhere close to 3 billion people worldwide, it’ll have to be from international Internet streaming — times have changed since the last royal wedding, and you can’t rely on TV ratings to get an accurate estimate of live events like this anymore.

Akamai, which provides approximately 20% of the Internet’s streaming traffic for 300 news sites like MSNBC, saw about 5.4 million viewers per minute at its peak. The 2010 World Cup averaged twice as much.

Granted, a lot of people did watch and the royal wedding did occupy all of Friday’s trending topics on Google, Twitter and Facebook — but it didn’t “break” the Internet, like Michael Jackson’s death did. Perhaps the media was leading the conversation too much, trying to convince people that what they were reporting on was an accurate representation of what their audiences actually cared about. Fox News even desperately wrote an article giving three reasons why you “should” care about the wedding.

When’s the last time someone told you that you should care about something actually made you care about it? People can make up their own minds to decide what they care about.

Ironically, a New York Times poll said only 6% of Americans truly cared about the royal wedding — the same source that estimated 3 billion people watched the ceremony. Lesson? Don’t believe the hype, and take everything you read with a grain of salt.

Note: I did, in fact, watch about 45 minutes of the wedding — including the weak first kiss. The horse-drawn carriage afterwards was fairy tale-esque, but let’s face it. At the end of the day, it was just a couple who met in college getting married.