The incredible true story of how I became a zombie in the post-Rapture apocalypse — and then saved by Chuck Norris

In the 24 hours following the May 21, 2011 Rapture, my Twitter bio looked like this. Weird, huh?

Brace yourself, kids, I have an amazing story to tell you.

May 21, 2011 — the Rapture swept the world at 6:00 pm local time. Most people were still around the next day, asking what the big hype was all about. Some believers thought it was another test from Rock Me Sexy Jesus, but who knows? As one person pointed out, though, maybe the Rapture really did happen but so few people qualified that no one noticed.

Either way, the world didn’t end. But I had a strange 24 hours, personally. Late Saturday night, one my neighbors bit me. I felt a little feverish and did what anyone else with a potential cold would do — I laid down. I don’t remember anything after that, but this appeared on my Twitter page:

A few hours after the supposed Rapture, I lost all ability to type/spell actual words.

My name had been changed to @undeadgeoff and my profile said I was a zombie! Wh-what?

    The crazy tweets, the only evidence of what had happened to me, told a scary story:

  • @undeadgeoff: RAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!
  • @undeadgeoff: Mmmmmmm…. @mellokittie looks yummy. [CHOMP]
  • @sopranosinger: @undeadgeoff are you a zombie now?! Lol hope all is well :)
  • @undeadgeoff: BRAAIINS!! [bites @Mitch_M]
  • @Mitch_M: @undeadgeoff Dag, that ain’t pretty! lol
  • @andCKsays: According to this: I should lob off @undeadgeoff’s head with a chainsaw. So, consider it done.
  • @undeadgeoff: [flees @andCKsays’ house at a slow, staggering pace]
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrggllle… Brrrrreakfast! [bites @MissBrittz]
  • @AlexBrewer53: If you are not following @undeadgeoff, you need too. Deaf Geoff as his post-rapture self
  • @undeadgeoff: #survivalsunday = snackfest for @undeadgeoff
  • @undeadgeoff: [stumble, stumble] Still hungryyy…
  • @undeadgeoff: Mmm, @veronicaripson’s arm looks tasty. Nom nom nom nom nom….
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrrrrowwl… @MinaSayWhat, play some “Zombie Nation” on Sirius for my post-rapture tweeps!
  • @undeadgeoff: .@Jason_Smith78 is having trouble finding ground beef at @wegmans, but I know where to get fresh meat… on the run…
  • @JoshShear: OK, going to bring the netbook outside. And probably something to keep @undeadgeoff distracted so I can work in peace.
  • @mellokittie: @JoshShear if we just keep him fed or put him in a deep empty pool @undeadgeoff should be ok.
  • @undeadgeoff: Unless @viiag loaned you his copy of Jenna Jameson’s ‘Zombie Strippers,’ there’s little @mellokittie & @JoshShear can do to distract me…
  • @JBBusch: @undeadgeoff your list on the blog is hilarious but your picture makes me want to run faster on my jog today.
  • @jasonsdisaster: This is HILARIOUS: RT @undeadgeoff If you’re reading this, then you’ve survived. Here’s what you need to do now…
  • @undeadgeoff: [sniffs @SunnyinSyracuse’s hair] hnmmph… [sprinkles cinnamon] oOoOOooh… [CHOMP] Delicious! #YummyinSyracuse
  • @MBuchwalter: @undeadgeoff so, your default picture makes me uncomfortable #justsayin #thoughtyoushouldknow #stillLoveyou
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrrrr… I can’t find a napkin to wipe my freshly-fed face… RT @MBuchwalter: so, your default picture makes me uncomfortable #justsayin
  • @undeadgeoff: Thinking about having some Maryland lacrosse players for my zombie lunch. #redshirts = #bloodfest
  • @PJASchultz: DO IT RT @undeadgeoff: Thinking about having some Maryland lacrosse players for my zombie lunch. #redshirts = #bloodfest
  • @undeadgeoff: LUNCHTIME! [bites Curtis Holmes’ arm off at the elbow] Mmmmm…. [chomp chomp slurppp] #zombierevenge for #SU
  • @undeadgeoff: BRAAAIINNNSS! [decapitates Grant Catalino] YUM! [chew chew BURP chew chew] #zombierevenge for #SU
  • @FaccendaT: @mellokittie @JoshShear How could you guys let @undeadgeoff escape! all you had to do was show him that crappy porno! now its going tospread
  • @mellokittie: @Faccendat well @undeadgeoff tried to eat me- thank goodness he’s got that wonky leg. I could outrun him.
  • @undeadgeoff: I’m hungryyy again… [spots Chuck Norris] Hmm? [smacks lips] [staggers towards him]
  • @undeadgeoff: Heyyy Chuck! Grrwwwrr — fwop, twang, BANG! — Accckkkk! OW. Wh-Whaa? [groan] [thud]
  • @deafgeoff: [cough cough] … Where am I?
  • @deafgeoff: Wow. Apparently, I was undead the past 24 hours… Chuck Norris shot me with an ED-12 dart, dosing me with the anti-zombie cure.
  • @deafgeoff: Thank YOU, Chuck Norris. It’s been a weird day… How’s everybody else doing?

How bizarre. Thank Godzilla for Chuck Norris.

Anyone else have an unusual post-Rapture experience? Just to prepare yourself, in case you’re about to have something similar happen, you might want to review the 10 steps to take after you survive the apocalypse. Seriously.