Yesterday, May 21st, 2011, was the beginning of the end. Earthquakes, the Rapture, the second coming of Rock Me Sexy Jesus, dogs and cats living together, Hannah Montana as president, zombie strippers and mass mayhem.
So if you’re reading this, congratulations: You survived.
Here’s what you need to do now…
1) Watch (or re-watch) “28 Days Later,” “Diary of the Dead,” “Shaun of the Dead” and “Night of the Living Dead.” Consult the Rules of Zombieland. This will prepare you for any looters/zombies that may attempt to harm you.
2) Stock up on Mountain Dew and Pop-Tarts. They’ll last longer than anything else, and you can survive for years on their artificial nutrients (which are better than actual nutrients).
3) Either find a flashlight or download the flashlight app on your iPhone. This’ll come in handy for telling scary stories to the other survivors, especially if you shine it under your chin and alternate between a creepy whisper and a raspy scream while speaking.
4) Go to my apartment. Turn on my computer and find my folder of personal pictures and videos marked “ILoveKitties.” DELETE IT. (You’ll need my password, which is FerngullyRulez.)
5) Pick out a really cool, but comfortable, outfit. Add a pair of sunglasses. This may be your attire for the rest of your everloving life, so make it a good one. You can borrow one of my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts if you want.
6) Choose a form of transportation. You can start with a car or a dune buggy, but they’ll run out of gas, so have a backup ready: roller skates, shoes with those little Wheelies underneath them. (Avoid scooters: you’ll be killed by 10 tons of Alanis Morrissette-like irony if you attempt to escape the Rapture on a Raptor Scooter.) If the apocalypse looks more like Waterworld or 2012, find something seaworthy.
7) Pack lots of underwear and toilet paper.
8) Decide what the future generation’s Bible is going to be. I recommend Chuck Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, but whatever floats your boat. This will be the new story of the beginning of civilization.
9) Repopulate the planet. Have lots of sex. Name the kids cool things like “Megatron,” “Frankenstein” and “Buzz Lightyear.” None of those wimpy-sounding names like “Josiah” or “Francine.” (“Ron Burgundy” is okay, but let’s not go overboard.)
10) Depending on how it all goes down, come up with a new list of commandments. Warn future generations of what will happen if they try and revitalize Facebook.
Good luck, and Godzillaspeed.