The incredible true story of how I became a zombie in the post-Rapture apocalypse — and then saved by Chuck Norris

In the 24 hours following the May 21, 2011 Rapture, my Twitter bio looked like this. Weird, huh?

Brace yourself, kids, I have an amazing story to tell you.

May 21, 2011 — the Rapture swept the world at 6:00 pm local time. Most people were still around the next day, asking what the big hype was all about. Some believers thought it was another test from Rock Me Sexy Jesus, but who knows? As one person pointed out, though, maybe the Rapture really did happen but so few people qualified that no one noticed.

Either way, the world didn’t end. But I had a strange 24 hours, personally. Late Saturday night, one my neighbors bit me. I felt a little feverish and did what anyone else with a potential cold would do — I laid down. I don’t remember anything after that, but this appeared on my Twitter page:

A few hours after the supposed Rapture, I lost all ability to type/spell actual words.

My name had been changed to @undeadgeoff and my profile said I was a zombie! Wh-what?

    The crazy tweets, the only evidence of what had happened to me, told a scary story:

  • @undeadgeoff: RAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!
  • @undeadgeoff: Mmmmmmm…. @mellokittie looks yummy. [CHOMP]
  • @sopranosinger: @undeadgeoff are you a zombie now?! Lol hope all is well :)
  • @undeadgeoff: BRAAIINS!! [bites @Mitch_M]
  • @Mitch_M: @undeadgeoff Dag, that ain’t pretty! lol
  • @andCKsays: According to this: I should lob off @undeadgeoff’s head with a chainsaw. So, consider it done.
  • @undeadgeoff: [flees @andCKsays’ house at a slow, staggering pace]
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrggllle… Brrrrreakfast! [bites @MissBrittz]
  • @AlexBrewer53: If you are not following @undeadgeoff, you need too. Deaf Geoff as his post-rapture self
  • @undeadgeoff: #survivalsunday = snackfest for @undeadgeoff
  • @undeadgeoff: [stumble, stumble] Still hungryyy…
  • @undeadgeoff: Mmm, @veronicaripson’s arm looks tasty. Nom nom nom nom nom….
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrrrrowwl… @MinaSayWhat, play some “Zombie Nation” on Sirius for my post-rapture tweeps!
  • @undeadgeoff: .@Jason_Smith78 is having trouble finding ground beef at @wegmans, but I know where to get fresh meat… on the run…
  • @JoshShear: OK, going to bring the netbook outside. And probably something to keep @undeadgeoff distracted so I can work in peace.
  • @mellokittie: @JoshShear if we just keep him fed or put him in a deep empty pool @undeadgeoff should be ok.
  • @undeadgeoff: Unless @viiag loaned you his copy of Jenna Jameson’s ‘Zombie Strippers,’ there’s little @mellokittie & @JoshShear can do to distract me…
  • @JBBusch: @undeadgeoff your list on the blog is hilarious but your picture makes me want to run faster on my jog today.
  • @jasonsdisaster: This is HILARIOUS: RT @undeadgeoff If you’re reading this, then you’ve survived. Here’s what you need to do now…
  • @undeadgeoff: [sniffs @SunnyinSyracuse’s hair] hnmmph… [sprinkles cinnamon] oOoOOooh… [CHOMP] Delicious! #YummyinSyracuse
  • @MBuchwalter: @undeadgeoff so, your default picture makes me uncomfortable #justsayin #thoughtyoushouldknow #stillLoveyou
  • @undeadgeoff: Grrrrr… I can’t find a napkin to wipe my freshly-fed face… RT @MBuchwalter: so, your default picture makes me uncomfortable #justsayin
  • @undeadgeoff: Thinking about having some Maryland lacrosse players for my zombie lunch. #redshirts = #bloodfest
  • @PJASchultz: DO IT RT @undeadgeoff: Thinking about having some Maryland lacrosse players for my zombie lunch. #redshirts = #bloodfest
  • @undeadgeoff: LUNCHTIME! [bites Curtis Holmes’ arm off at the elbow] Mmmmm…. [chomp chomp slurppp] #zombierevenge for #SU
  • @undeadgeoff: BRAAAIINNNSS! [decapitates Grant Catalino] YUM! [chew chew BURP chew chew] #zombierevenge for #SU
  • @FaccendaT: @mellokittie @JoshShear How could you guys let @undeadgeoff escape! all you had to do was show him that crappy porno! now its going tospread
  • @mellokittie: @Faccendat well @undeadgeoff tried to eat me- thank goodness he’s got that wonky leg. I could outrun him.
  • @undeadgeoff: I’m hungryyy again… [spots Chuck Norris] Hmm? [smacks lips] [staggers towards him]
  • @undeadgeoff: Heyyy Chuck! Grrwwwrr — fwop, twang, BANG! — Accckkkk! OW. Wh-Whaa? [groan] [thud]
  • @deafgeoff: [cough cough] … Where am I?
  • @deafgeoff: Wow. Apparently, I was undead the past 24 hours… Chuck Norris shot me with an ED-12 dart, dosing me with the anti-zombie cure.
  • @deafgeoff: Thank YOU, Chuck Norris. It’s been a weird day… How’s everybody else doing?

How bizarre. Thank Godzilla for Chuck Norris.

Anyone else have an unusual post-Rapture experience? Just to prepare yourself, in case you’re about to have something similar happen, you might want to review the 10 steps to take after you survive the apocalypse. Seriously.

If you’re reading this, then you’ve survived. Here’s what you need to do now…

If you're completely lost on what to do in the post-apocalyptic world, simply consult the rules of Zombieland.

Yesterday, May 21st, 2011, was the beginning of the end. Earthquakes, the Rapture, the second coming of Rock Me Sexy Jesus, dogs and cats living together, Hannah Montana as president, zombie strippers and mass mayhem.

So if you’re reading this, congratulations: You survived.

Here’s what you need to do now…

1) Watch (or re-watch) “28 Days Later,” “Diary of the Dead,” “Shaun of the Dead” and “Night of the Living Dead.” Consult the Rules of Zombieland. This will prepare you for any looters/zombies that may attempt to harm you.

2) Stock up on Mountain Dew and Pop-Tarts. They’ll last longer than anything else, and you can survive for years on their artificial nutrients (which are better than actual nutrients).

3) Either find a flashlight or download the flashlight app on your iPhone. This’ll come in handy for telling scary stories to the other survivors, especially if you shine it under your chin and alternate between a creepy whisper and a raspy scream while speaking.

4) Go to my apartment. Turn on my computer and find my folder of personal pictures and videos marked “ILoveKitties.” DELETE IT. (You’ll need my password, which is FerngullyRulez.)

5) Pick out a really cool, but comfortable, outfit. Add a pair of sunglasses. This may be your attire for the rest of your everloving life, so make it a good one. You can borrow one of my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts if you want.

6) Choose a form of transportation. You can start with a car or a dune buggy, but they’ll run out of gas, so have a backup ready: roller skates, shoes with those little Wheelies underneath them. (Avoid scooters: you’ll be killed by 10 tons of Alanis Morrissette-like irony if you attempt to escape the Rapture on a Raptor Scooter.) If the apocalypse looks more like Waterworld or 2012, find something seaworthy.

7) Pack lots of underwear and toilet paper.

8) Decide what the future generation’s Bible is going to be. I recommend Chuck Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, but whatever floats your boat. This will be the new story of the beginning of civilization.

9) Repopulate the planet. Have lots of sex. Name the kids cool things like “Megatron,” “Frankenstein” and “Buzz Lightyear.” None of those wimpy-sounding names like “Josiah” or “Francine.” (“Ron Burgundy” is okay, but let’s not go overboard.)

10) Depending on how it all goes down, come up with a new list of commandments. Warn future generations of what will happen if they try and revitalize Facebook.

Good luck, and Godzillaspeed.